Beautiful tears.

No. It’s not the time of the month, yet. But today specifically, I turn out to be so emotional and weak on the knees.

At 5 in the afternoon, I went to church to hear mass with family. It wasn’t just an ordinary day. It was the feast of Our Lady of Hope.

During the homily, the priest said so many beautiful and desolate recollections about the typhoon, which transpired 4 years ago. I couldn’t help but contemplate of my own memory and my own flashback about Typhoon Haiyan.

As he was reliving that very day and the countless miracles that he later discovered throughout stories and accounts of victims, I couldn’t help but feel so emotional that I shed a tear or two – beautiful tears.

Since that typhoon, I too, among many others have since detached from worldly things. I straightaway decide which is which – a want or a need. Since then, I have less doubts and little fear of the unknown. I’ve become strong and my faith has become deeper.

As we ended the mass, I couldn’t contain my sense of gladness. I thank the Lord that we were all kept safe. I thank Our Lady as well for all that I had during that day was my faith - I sang Hail Mary as I put Julia to slumber; Julia was 11 months old at that time.

So no. It’s not the time of the month just yet.

Its not your average type of day either.

Because exactly 4 years ago today, I have changed the way I live and see the world.

I shed a tear or two, but they are beautiful tears that have kept me grounded and my faith stronger.

Gratitude is the memory of the heart.

This year has been filled with so much to be thankful for. 

Our blessings are countless and God has been and is always so good to us. Each day is different from the other and for that I am always grateful. 

Each of us is sent from above to have a purpose in this lifetime. We find meaning in the lives we have been bestowed with. 

I never thought that I would be chosen to become your Mama. Never in my wildest imagination did I think that you would become my first born - my first darling. 

I am so lucky to have you. 

You taught me so much in life. 

You made me a strong woman and my life has changed wholeheartedly ever since you were born.

I owe my life’s biggest accomplishment to you - that is, becoming a mother. 

Thank you for the love that you continuously shower me and Daddy with.

Thank you for extending your patience when mine is nearly ending.

Thank you for always helping me with your sisters even at the wee morning hours. 

Thank you for your humor and your sweetness that light me and everyone up always.

As dwarfism awareness month comes to an end, I knock on your big hearts and kind souls to always be gentle and spread kindness from within. You may not know what kind of battle each person you meet has been struggling with. Kindness generates grateful hearts. Together we can make this world a much better place for you, for me and for people who’s small but then that’s just all.

Cruisin' at nine months.

Oh how wonderful this month has turned out to be! 

First, you've successfully learned to stand up when being prompted and finally have started to cruise along your play pen. And how joyful you are by doing so.

I am always beaming with pride when people notice how significantly you've grown over the past months thinking how tiny you first came to life. You are my butterball and my charming baby.

Your laugh is so contagious and how I relish it when I tickle you at your giggle points. Your eyes glimmer when you smile just like your sisters. I particularly love how all your eyes seem to twinkle every time you smile. Those pure and innocent eyes takes all the burdens away. It brings so much comfort and it truly warms my heart that saying no would be the hardest thing in the world. 

I am starting to feed you some protein in the form of chicken liver and somehow you like it. Slowly and carefully, I am adding a bit of flavor to your everyday food. I am so pleased that you simply eat whatever is set for you. You’ve started to snack on cereal puffs and milky crackers as well. 

You've started to emulate your sister's habit of letting out a soft cry when attention is not in your favor. I hope you will not grow up to become. Because I am certainly not fond of it. Please understand that there are times that Mama isn’t in tip-toe shape. I’ve been struggling too on how adulting and parenting can be oh-so-hard all at once. Nevertheless, my love for you three is always bursting and will never ever cease.

 

Look at those eyes!

 

My beautiful butterball.

 Here you are with - Daddy.

 

Oh Clara! For always – I love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Mama

Eight beautiful months with you...

Dearest Clara,

Days and nights with you has been great this month. Nights especially when all you do is sleep after feeding and just sleep. Thank you for allowing mama to rest and take naps in between our busy nights when Sabel is all cries and baubles. 

This month has been especially yummy as I introduced you to berries. You've seem to like it by far and I wish it'll be the same when your big and start to be a picky eater (I pray you will never be). 

When you turned 8 months, you started to look a lot like Julia when she was your age. I smile in a certain disbelief because you both look so much a like. 

This month too, we started to prompt you to sit and stand which you very much enjoyed. You enjoy standing tall alongside your crib and watching how the minutes unfold especially when your two sisters are around doing their own thing. At times you fall down and create a frown to your much disappointment. But you gladly smile when being prompted again. Oh how charming you always are!

You enjoy morning strolls with Sabel and at times afternoon strolls with your sisters. Sabel has been so fond of animals that she visits the sheep from our neighbor's yard almost every morning. I hope you'll grow up to be fond of animals just like her. Julia on the other hand has been so lady like and very organized. I too, wish that you'll grow up to get some sprinkling of her kindness. 

I pray that you'll be able to talk real soon. When you can start babbling some baby words. When you can finally say Mama and Dada the least. 

Here you are with your beautiful sisters.

I love you so much my little giant! 

To the moon and beyond, always!

Love,

Mama

Seven months.

This month has been mild and tough all together. 

It started with a bang. 

There was this 6.5 magnitude earthquake that shook us like crazy. 

A week after that, you suffered from Chicken Pox and it's not fun at all. Your face was all covered with tiny spots of red and it didn't look pain free to me. I am so sorry you had to get it firsthand. On the bright side, you are so done with Chicken Pox and you will never ever have to experience that again.

This month too, I started to feed you and I am one proud Mama for making you eat clean and healthy food. So far, you started with the usual fruits like Banana, Mango, Avocado, Pear and Apple. You also favored Oats over Quinoa but still ate the later with excitement. You've tried Carrots, Squash, Zucchini and Spinach amongst other vegetables. I am so happy that you get giddy when you see your pink spoon and bowl. Your appetite is always big and jolly. I pray that it'll remain like that. 

I've tried to make you go out for morning and afternoon strolls so you can take all the fresh air. I've been so keen on making you live a super clean environment because you are a pre-term baby but because you are now 7 months old, I will loosely release the rein on you, for you to better appreciate the world and just because your body needs it too. 

You have grown so much, your body is so full and round. Everybody tells me that you look like a Buddha, a smiling one at that. You have been so friendly nowadays, your smile melts my heart as your eyes lit up with joy. 

It won't be long now that you will be able to sit on your own and stand on your own. I am just deeply overwhelmed that you can roll over now as we have been waiting for it for so long and at times you sleep on your side at night and turn freely on your own elect. 

Just don't grow up too fast, Clara. Because I will miss the precious baby that you are now. 

I love you always,

Mama

Better days to come.

It just turned 5:19 in the earliest of mornings (my mornings) one Saturday when I held my 3 precious angels beside me as we scout outside our room to give them another scenery, one that allows them to smell the grass (early morning dew smell warms my heart always) and give them more space to hurdle. Sabel and Clara had their fair share of cry outbursts simultaneously around 330 in the morning and I just couldn't put them back to sleep anymore. They both want to be cuddled and carried at some point and sadly, I only have my own pair of hands. I had to wake up my eldest Julia so she can help me and cheer up Clara who has been crying non-stop as I try to sway Sabel back to sleep. It worked for just a few minutes up until I had no more energy to sway, hum a lullaby and create a soothing face. And so I took them out. 

I waited for the sunrise to come up until I can call for help. My eyes were shutting down and watching them all three together who's sleepy, hungry and bored alone isn't really a wonderful thing anymore.

Oh how hard adulting is!

More so parenting in this conventional world I'm living in. 

I wish there was a pause button to breathe and rest. 

I wish I had a charger to plug myself into just to recharge my almost-empty battery life. 

So, yes, it's a little past five in the morning and I'm carrying my fidgety 6 month old baby, holding Sabel's shirt as she is fond of running around me and thanking Julia for a job well done for helping Mama. I look at the sunrise and quickly snap a photo to remind me of this day. 

I shall not forget that today, I held them all alone, my girls, my light and my hope for better days to come. 

A milestone, a little sorrow and always a joy at 6 months old.

My dearest butterball,

Like a perfect round of buttery goodness you are comparable to. You are Mama's charming child, forever smiling and cheerful, your smile melts my heart as your eyes never fail to twinkle when you smile. 

This month has been so heart wrenching for me and for most of us. The first day of the month set us to a bad start I must say, still, there's no room for negativity I always remind myself but for some reason, like a glorious and fleeting sunset, this month will never be forgotten for what it's worth.

It started when we lost your baby cousin Vino and the heart break it has left our hearts. I still cry whenever I think of him. I wonder if he sees us, sees you his youngest cousin to date. I wonder if he makes you smile when you giggle in your sleep.

He was gone too soon and was definitely too beautiful for earth.

I am telling you this my dearest Clara because I want you to put a smile on Tito Karl and Tita Ina's broken hearts. I want you to be their joy amidst their pain and sorrow. I want them to see hope in you. 

Like any other month too, we've had our fair share of colds and cough and a recent trip to your pediatrician. She tells me to have you checked soon as she might be sensing a little delay on our end. You see, at 6 months old, you should have rolled over your back and forth already. 

I prayed to the heavens to spare us from another consultation as it would require us to travel to Cebu and back. 

Right before the month came to an end and just before a few days till you turn 6 months old, the heavens must have heard my plea. It was a Sunday, shortly after lunch time when I had to change your diaper, that you gracefully turned to the side and rolled over, just like that. I immediately ran outside to tell everyone present about your milestone. I signaled your daddy who was watching me from afar about it as I did a happy dance in place. 

Oh Clara! How delighted I am that you finally rolled over. Now, the challenge is for you to come around. 

I am excited to feed you just right after you turn 6 months old. I have been silently planning the combination of fruits and vegetables I will be preparing for you.

I thank God for you and your sisters. This month has been tough and then I turn to you three and thank Jesus that you are all well, healthy and breathing. I pray that you three will help in healing Tito Karl and Tita Ina's loss as you complete their days with your loud squeals and your sister's laughter and chaos.

I love you to the moon and back!