They're so big, I'm small.

Coming home from school, my daughter tells me, "mama, I didn't get so much stars," showing me her hands. I curiously asked, but why darling? 

My heart was broken when I heard her answer. 

"Because Mama, my classmates are so big and I'm small and I couldn't reach it."

But then I am reminded that she is now three years old and will get lots of moments like this. 

I went about my afternoon, going thru the hustle bustle of a Wednesday and  completely imagining what could I possibly tell Julia that she will understand. 

So tonight, I played with her. Bathe her and had a good time like we always do. When she was all clean and fresh, I prompted her in front of me and told her I needed to talk to her. She looks into my eye waiting for me to talk. 

Deep breath.

Julia, when you were born, God made you so special. 

Remember the time when you were a baby and the doctors had to fix your hip? 

She nods herself. She remembers everything by the way.

And I knew she's a big girl and can handle what I was going to say next.

Darling, they had to fix your bones because you have Dysplasia. 

Can you say Dysplasia?

"Deespleeeesia she tells me."

So when there are times that you

can't reach and can't simply get more stars, always remember how God made you. 

I tell her with ease. 

And love, it's okay if you don't get so much stars, at least you've got some already.

So I flash a question to check if she got me.

Julia, why didn't you get so much stars?

"because Mama, my classmates are so big and I can't reach it"

But why I ask even more?

"I'm small." She adorably tells me so.

Why are you small? I ask some more.

"because Jesus made me special."

That'll do for now. 

My sweet little Julia.

Here she is before going to a party. 

To my little wildflower on your 3rd birthday.

Happy 3rd birthday to our first born! 

To the love of our lives.

To our little sunshine.

To our feisty girl.

To our dancing queen.

To the one who rocks the house.

To our little wildflower.

To my always extraordinary girl.

To the one who makes me laugh like no other.

To my partner in crime.

To my little angel.

To the one who finishes the icing on the cake only.

To the only child who prefers purple-colored icecream over chocolate.

The one whose voice stands out, literally.

To the one who can never stay put.

The only one who can make my heart jump when she goes running around barefoot.

To the only 3 year old who talks about having boyfriends and Bieber.

To my warrior and gladiator of some sort.

To the smartest little being.

You who takes up all the space there is, figuratively.

You, whom for always will be my baby and my little girl...

The one, whom I will always carry through. 

Happy birthday my dearest Julia! 

Oh how I love you so much! 

Daddy and I loves you to the moon and back! 

Dance the day away little girl! 

Love,

Mama 

Isabel.

Here I am convening in my workspace. The very space that led me to writing, the very space that had me wandering and wanting. It’s a square-shaped desk, a mah-jong table to be particular that I’ve been using in my room at my Mama’s house. It’s like a table catchall. Anyways, I am staring at the sea and listening to the leaves sway here and there. Nat King Cole’s melody is also playing, carrying me to an inspiring mood. There is a low pressure somewhere and it has been nothing but gloomy with moderate winds this past few days. 

Everyone is busy. Everyone is out. The room is mine and how I am loving it.

In a day, I only get to have 2 hours of peace all for myself. An hour has already passed by. Two hours is very precious for me. It’s from 10 am till noontime. The little girl is out at school during these hours. It’s the only stretch I get to sit, get cozy, be sluggish and daydream like no other. At times, I get to miss my single days when things I did daily was all mundane but it made me pleased in a way or two. Today, all is different. Being a mother is such a great accomplishment. Especially seeing your little one blossom to a very beautiful and smart aleck that she is now. Being a mother doesn’t mean that all is picturesque and impeccable. It unquestionably does have its low moments too. I for one just had a recent low down as I call it. Being 6 months pregnant and having a toddler who goes to school everyday is hard. Hormones are raging and the little one is grumpy at times when not being attended to, and there is our tiny baby growing in my belly who just understands. So much for my blah blahs as I have fifty-eight minutes to be exact till she comes home from school and tells me all her stories which I have to be 100 % attentive to…

This post is actually for my little one growing in my belly. Telling the world what she will be.

My pregnancy has been so smooth sailing. Compared to my first born where I had to lay down in bed for almost 8 months because I had a complicated pregnancy. My second pregnancy is so great. I get to go out and actually wear maternity clothes that I can pick myself. I can proudly show everyone my baby bump.

We found out last month that our baby is going to be a girl. We are all delighted about it and so is Julia. She is the one who would constantly say that the baby I have in my tummy is a girl as opposing to everyone who would always tell me that I am having a boy.

Getting crafty with garden blooms from Mama's garden.

We started calling her Isabel. I’ve always been charmed with the name Isabel and so she’ll be called “Sabel”. Isabel means, “Consecrated to God”. She just gave me a little somersault as I wrote her name. She has been so good all throughout my pregnancy. Thank you dear Lord for her!

Unlike Julia, Isabel has been moving so much. She bounces back when I caress my belly up and down, as if telling me she appreciates it. When it is all still at night and everyone is asleep, I set my earphones on my belly as I make her listen to the songs that Julia listened when she was in my tummy too. It’s a playlist of all Classical Music and some rhymes. I know that she loves it because it makes her calm and she stops moving so much.

My dearest Sabel, I cannot simply wait for you. I get teary-eyed when I think about you and our growing family. You are a blessing and you are God’s gift. Daddy and I will try our very best to be amazing parents to you and your big sister. Julia has had her toys and DVD’s arranged for you. She has lots and lots of stories to tell too. There is never a dull moment with your big sister as she is like a bird that never stops gabbing. I pray you will be as smart and beautiful as she is. She will teach you her bedtime prayer and all her tactics. She is naughty at times but you need not follow her.

Your BIG sister Julia helps me put this little beauty for us to take a photograph with. 

Mama is trying to make floral pillowcases for you. I’ll make everything beautiful as I welcome you out to the world. You will be loved and cared for by everybody. Deep in my heart, I know that you are eager to come out too. It won’t be that long anymore my dearest Sabel.

We will see you soon.

Love,

Mama

My little sparkle.

A tiny bud you were, oh so little, oh so rare.

The gentlest being I've ever held, not a day goes by I thank the Lord for you are heaven sent.

You've become the brightest star amongst all.

Leaving Mama full and always in awe.

Now, you're slowly becoming your own human and I'm so proud of you.

Soon, there will be two of you and time will tell how exciting the test of time can be.

Little sparkle please don't let your magic run dry,

For you are my only hope, my living sunshine. 

You make the odd days seem better.

You are my invisible summer.

Never a dull moment with you, my little sparkle. 

Turning 30.

I turned 30 today.

My day started oh-so-right when my Mama invited us over for breakfast. 

Breakfast you see is my favored meal of the day. She made French Toasts, Corned Beef Hash from scratch and sautéed Spanish Sardines. There was fruits and overflowing brewed coffee as well. My belly was extremely happy.

She prepared it on our lanai, one of my favorite nooks in the house. She laid it over a long and narrow table with beautiful yellow roses. It was a lovely sight.
Thank you Mama!

 

French Toast with Creamy Topping.

Corned Beef Hash.

Cantaloupe and Sweet Mangoes.

A day before my birthday, I went to the flower shop to get myself some pretty flowers. I adorned my bedroom in my Mama’s house with the purple Malaysian Moms. I desired to have a great birthday and fill my room with the loveliness a flower brings. 

We heard mass with our little darling and headed back home.

Julia and I were busy frolicking as I was talking to my good friend Tedi over Viber when I was requested to go outside as somebody was looking for me. I was astonished. Who would have thought that at 7:45 pm, there would be someone at the door for me?  I hastily brushed my hair and went out as I was already dressed down to end my day.

Four of my cousins were lighting up the candles of a tiny cake as I opened the door. I was deeply touched that I couldn’t help but cry. Turning 30 has its emotional perks. That’s why. And not to mention, it was my only cake for the day. I had to let my happy tears fall. I quickly asked them to come inside our little space so Julia can take part in blowing the candles of such darling cake. She snubbed her Titas at first but warmed up after a few minutes, that she gave us a performance worth remembering. She became so excited; she opened up to tell stories and make faces, throwing a model’s pose and etc…  She felt sad when they had to leave. 

We ended the night with me bidding her goodnight as she kisses me and giving me a tight hug. She drinks her milk and I tell her, I love you to the moon… and she interrupts her sipping and tells me “and back”. 

Oh my heart.

So much for turning 30.

Carrying hope through.

My greatest fear has come.

What do you do?

How do you respond?

How do you surrender yourself to the truth?

How do you hide the anguish before you?

What do you say to your loved ones?

How do you make them understand?

My little girl was all about her whimsical self on a ferry ride to Cebu for her doctor’s visit. I on the other hand was trembling softly deep inside. This was it. The moment of truth. No holding back. It had to be known. Sooner or later, in any given circumstance.

When Julia was operated last year, my greatest fear was enduring the aftermath – the endless tantrums, the sleepless nights and her grouchy behavior due to her cast. But I persisted each and everyday, simply because Julia was so dear and so brave, she never gave us a hard time. Months later, her doctor told us that there would be a chance of her hip getting dislocated again; I was all resigned to the thought that it isn’t going to happen. Not to us. Not to her. It’s too much, as I would say. Not really thinking openly.

We lived each day favorably. Not thinking of the unknown. Everyday was a happy day for us. And still is up to now. Thanks to my cheerful daughter who brings out the best amongst the not-so-good days.

Time will tell.

We will cross the bridge when we get there.

Those are the words that come to my mind whenever I think of that greatest fear.

It happened so quickly. Like a balloon bursting out loud.

Let me start by telling you how it came to be.

It was just another day, a Friday.

We had the most unlikable struggle at the X-ray department. It felt like the loudest cry of her life. She would grab my shoulders, and scream out loud “Mama”. I felt so weak on the knees that I came down to kneel before her just to carry my little one, giving her the encouragement that she won’t fall. She was made to stand up straight without her tiny knees curling or bending. That was too much for her. We haven’t conquered that milestone just yet. It’ll happen soon as I claim it will be. She collapsed to sleep thru tiny sobs and gentle cuddles as I held her close to me on our way home. I soothingly placed her on the bed so she could sleep comfortably. I sat beside her as I carried my weapon of choice and began to pray.

I prayed hard to God. For, in the next few hours we shall come to know what Julia’s scan would be. I couldn’t help but cry. Cry a little and let it all out. It works by the way.

As soon as we arrive the doctor’s clinic, the little girl couldn’t stay put. She had to wander around all the corners and had to amuse all strangers passing by. She would say “hi” to almost everyone. Her shyest smile would melt the hearts of many.

We were waiting and still waiting that out of curiosity, I slipped the Xray scan out of the brown envelope and started squinting my eyes. I had to find out what magic lies within. It had to be known sooner or later. Might as well find it for myself - now.

I know what a typical scan looks like and the one before me wasn’t normal looking at all.

Right then and there, I felt my chest tighten. I wanted to cry out loud. I had to look high up so as to stop my tears from falling. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I turn to my side and there was nobody I could share my torment with. My tears were hastening down I could almost hear them. My inner self reminded me, not here, not at the doctor’s office, not in front of Julia. So I put myself together and masked my emotions right away like I always do.

The lady in blue blurted out loud “Torres”, and finally it was our turn to be inside. I carried my daughter with the heaviest weight on my shoulder. My feet suddenly became too tired to walk. I had no energy left.

The doctor looked at me, Julia and the scan respectively. His face wasn’t a pleased one I can tell. And then, there came the magic in his words. I had to hear it.

Julia needs another operation. Her hip hasn’t developed just yet and the scan evidently showed how it still is. It looked complicated.

The only thing to be done is to operate once again.  AGAIN.

Not my favorite word at the moment.

How do you look your daughter in the eye and tell her everything is okay? Is going to be okay.

I know that even at 1 year and 5 months, she is gradually catching up with words and actions. Somehow, I’ve got this impression that a teeny bitsy part of her understands.

How do you succumb everything?

What possible answers can you get from the never-ending questions you have?

I do not know. I simply do not know.

As I am writing this, it’s exactly the eve of my 29^th birthday. I asked God to give me a miracle as my birthday present a few months ago. I hoped for Julia’s complications to go away. Just like that. But God’s ways doesn’t work like that.

On my birthday, Julia and I went to see another doctor to seek another opinion about her displaced hip. The doctor we were supposed to see hasn’t arrived just yet. We waited and waited. And all along the wait, I saw a name that looked familiar in the list of physicians that I researched on visiting. I asked the lady if we could see him too. The lady told us we could see him right now without the long wait coz he is just there. The heavens must have heard my plea. No more waiting. Happy birthday to me. We then entered his tiny cubicle and there I told him about our story…

Just like Julia’s doctor in Cebu, he agreed on taking another surgery just to fix Julia’s displaced hip. There is no other way, he said. This doctor was so pleasant and so nice. Even if we are both strangers to each other, he told me that I need not to worry coz Julia’s problem is operable.

At this point in time, any encouragement from anybody, any support, any kind of gesture, perhaps a simple pat on the shoulder means so much. His words were beyond reassuring and I simply must not lose hope.

This is what I ponder, now; maybe, God has a purpose for all of this. Maybe something good is going to a happen at the end. Maybe its is better to leave all my questions unanswered.

Inhale. Exhale. Be still and know that I am God --- I am prompted.  

The room is so quiet. Julia’s bedtime melody is being played on repeat until it fades.

And then I am reminded, in the darkest of times, I am always reminded that the one before me, the one who has mastered the words “Mama” is the tiniest miracle I’ve ever had. Because of that reminiscent thought, there is a huge relief on my face.

Deep breath and I seem to be just fine. One day at a time as everyone would say.

My living miracle will carry me through. And I on the other hand will do the same.

There is always hope in the eyes of an innocent child.

Let there be hope everyday.

If only I can send hope in the prettiest packaging, I would gladly send them to all of you struggling of whatever battle life has blessed you with. May we open it merrily, scooping it out slowly as we carry it through the best and worst days of our lives.

Carrying hope through.

No words for tonight. Just love.

Tonight, as I kept you close by my side with a gentle song and a soft hum like I always do, you've decided to stay awake for what may seem like precious minutes as you shower me with loud slurpy kisses. And again. And again and again. 

I don't know how I must feel. I don't know what words to say as I describe that incredibly amazing moment when all you did was pure love. 

As I write this little note, my tears are beginning to fall. For what reason, I must not know.

I couldn't help but put myself together in a peaceful quite prayer and thank God for you. Just you. 

And as I bid the universe goodnight, I pray to God to spare you from all the unknown. And in one deep breathe, I wish for all the colors to parade in your dreams and the sweetest angels to be by your side and mine. 

I love you my little one!