On your second month, Clara.

With each passing day, slowly you've put on some weight here and there. You've become a little cherubim of joy and peace. 

Seeing you every day and doing all things together makes me want to keep you as tiny as you can ever be - simply a baby. 

You've been the most easy baby to deal with ever. And I just pray that you will stay the same way growing up alongside your two sisters.

Waiting for our flight at Ormoc Airport. 

As you turn two months, you've been to Cebu and even rode an airplane already. We went to see an ENT doctor and have your right ear checked. Results came out to our favor and I am so happy to tick it out of my worries. 

One fine day.

Our days are always short but happy. We might not be able to go places as of now but our dreams are big and coming. 

Our mornings may not be always filled with sunshine but you shine like the sun and that is enough to brighten our day. 

I may forget to note your very first smile, chuckle or laugh but never will I forget how you made me and daddy happy.

I may not be able to cuddle you at times when Sabel wants to snuggle at the middle of the night but please know that I will never love you less. All you little girls make up for the most of me. You complete Daddy and me. 

I love you to the moon and back, Clara,

Love,

Mama 

Sabel turns ONE.

Dearest Sabel,

As you turn one I celebrate the sweetness of a baby that is you. I thank the Lord for giving you to us. For being our joy and happiness always...

I pray that you and Julia will hold each other's hand when you're happy, scared or even when you're blue. 

Together, you will make the world a better place. 

Your smile - so genuine and sincere.

You are my constant reminder that life should be filled with all positivity, be in thoughts and actions. You prompt me to appreciate life as it is and to be contended with what’s here present. Your genuine smile each morning gives me hope for we never know what each day brings.

Always remember that Mama has got your back and that I will constantly be here for you and your sister.  

You are a certified Daddy’s girl. Never wanting without attention from him when he is present. 

Always remember to take each passing day with one small step at a time. 

I love it when I hear you squeal in delight, I especially like it when you call out for food because you love to eat so much.

You were born to shine and sparkle. 

You are a doting sister to Julia and because you are quite strong, at times, she feels you are hurting her but like I always tell her, you are just a baby and just wants to play. I hope you two will grow the best of friends.

The world is big and you must go and discover it for yourself. 

Life will not be perfect but I promise you, it will be beautiful. 

To my sweet one, Happy Birthday! 

I love you to the moon and back!

Love,

Mama

Isabel.

Here I am convening in my workspace. The very space that led me to writing, the very space that had me wandering and wanting. It’s a square-shaped desk, a mah-jong table to be particular that I’ve been using in my room at my Mama’s house. It’s like a table catchall. Anyways, I am staring at the sea and listening to the leaves sway here and there. Nat King Cole’s melody is also playing, carrying me to an inspiring mood. There is a low pressure somewhere and it has been nothing but gloomy with moderate winds this past few days. 

Everyone is busy. Everyone is out. The room is mine and how I am loving it.

In a day, I only get to have 2 hours of peace all for myself. An hour has already passed by. Two hours is very precious for me. It’s from 10 am till noontime. The little girl is out at school during these hours. It’s the only stretch I get to sit, get cozy, be sluggish and daydream like no other. At times, I get to miss my single days when things I did daily was all mundane but it made me pleased in a way or two. Today, all is different. Being a mother is such a great accomplishment. Especially seeing your little one blossom to a very beautiful and smart aleck that she is now. Being a mother doesn’t mean that all is picturesque and impeccable. It unquestionably does have its low moments too. I for one just had a recent low down as I call it. Being 6 months pregnant and having a toddler who goes to school everyday is hard. Hormones are raging and the little one is grumpy at times when not being attended to, and there is our tiny baby growing in my belly who just understands. So much for my blah blahs as I have fifty-eight minutes to be exact till she comes home from school and tells me all her stories which I have to be 100 % attentive to…

This post is actually for my little one growing in my belly. Telling the world what she will be.

My pregnancy has been so smooth sailing. Compared to my first born where I had to lay down in bed for almost 8 months because I had a complicated pregnancy. My second pregnancy is so great. I get to go out and actually wear maternity clothes that I can pick myself. I can proudly show everyone my baby bump.

We found out last month that our baby is going to be a girl. We are all delighted about it and so is Julia. She is the one who would constantly say that the baby I have in my tummy is a girl as opposing to everyone who would always tell me that I am having a boy.

Getting crafty with garden blooms from Mama's garden.

We started calling her Isabel. I’ve always been charmed with the name Isabel and so she’ll be called “Sabel”. Isabel means, “Consecrated to God”. She just gave me a little somersault as I wrote her name. She has been so good all throughout my pregnancy. Thank you dear Lord for her!

Unlike Julia, Isabel has been moving so much. She bounces back when I caress my belly up and down, as if telling me she appreciates it. When it is all still at night and everyone is asleep, I set my earphones on my belly as I make her listen to the songs that Julia listened when she was in my tummy too. It’s a playlist of all Classical Music and some rhymes. I know that she loves it because it makes her calm and she stops moving so much.

My dearest Sabel, I cannot simply wait for you. I get teary-eyed when I think about you and our growing family. You are a blessing and you are God’s gift. Daddy and I will try our very best to be amazing parents to you and your big sister. Julia has had her toys and DVD’s arranged for you. She has lots and lots of stories to tell too. There is never a dull moment with your big sister as she is like a bird that never stops gabbing. I pray you will be as smart and beautiful as she is. She will teach you her bedtime prayer and all her tactics. She is naughty at times but you need not follow her.

Your BIG sister Julia helps me put this little beauty for us to take a photograph with. 

Mama is trying to make floral pillowcases for you. I’ll make everything beautiful as I welcome you out to the world. You will be loved and cared for by everybody. Deep in my heart, I know that you are eager to come out too. It won’t be that long anymore my dearest Sabel.

We will see you soon.

Love,

Mama

Carrying hope through.

My greatest fear has come.

What do you do?

How do you respond?

How do you surrender yourself to the truth?

How do you hide the anguish before you?

What do you say to your loved ones?

How do you make them understand?

My little girl was all about her whimsical self on a ferry ride to Cebu for her doctor’s visit. I on the other hand was trembling softly deep inside. This was it. The moment of truth. No holding back. It had to be known. Sooner or later, in any given circumstance.

When Julia was operated last year, my greatest fear was enduring the aftermath – the endless tantrums, the sleepless nights and her grouchy behavior due to her cast. But I persisted each and everyday, simply because Julia was so dear and so brave, she never gave us a hard time. Months later, her doctor told us that there would be a chance of her hip getting dislocated again; I was all resigned to the thought that it isn’t going to happen. Not to us. Not to her. It’s too much, as I would say. Not really thinking openly.

We lived each day favorably. Not thinking of the unknown. Everyday was a happy day for us. And still is up to now. Thanks to my cheerful daughter who brings out the best amongst the not-so-good days.

Time will tell.

We will cross the bridge when we get there.

Those are the words that come to my mind whenever I think of that greatest fear.

It happened so quickly. Like a balloon bursting out loud.

Let me start by telling you how it came to be.

It was just another day, a Friday.

We had the most unlikable struggle at the X-ray department. It felt like the loudest cry of her life. She would grab my shoulders, and scream out loud “Mama”. I felt so weak on the knees that I came down to kneel before her just to carry my little one, giving her the encouragement that she won’t fall. She was made to stand up straight without her tiny knees curling or bending. That was too much for her. We haven’t conquered that milestone just yet. It’ll happen soon as I claim it will be. She collapsed to sleep thru tiny sobs and gentle cuddles as I held her close to me on our way home. I soothingly placed her on the bed so she could sleep comfortably. I sat beside her as I carried my weapon of choice and began to pray.

I prayed hard to God. For, in the next few hours we shall come to know what Julia’s scan would be. I couldn’t help but cry. Cry a little and let it all out. It works by the way.

As soon as we arrive the doctor’s clinic, the little girl couldn’t stay put. She had to wander around all the corners and had to amuse all strangers passing by. She would say “hi” to almost everyone. Her shyest smile would melt the hearts of many.

We were waiting and still waiting that out of curiosity, I slipped the Xray scan out of the brown envelope and started squinting my eyes. I had to find out what magic lies within. It had to be known sooner or later. Might as well find it for myself - now.

I know what a typical scan looks like and the one before me wasn’t normal looking at all.

Right then and there, I felt my chest tighten. I wanted to cry out loud. I had to look high up so as to stop my tears from falling. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I turn to my side and there was nobody I could share my torment with. My tears were hastening down I could almost hear them. My inner self reminded me, not here, not at the doctor’s office, not in front of Julia. So I put myself together and masked my emotions right away like I always do.

The lady in blue blurted out loud “Torres”, and finally it was our turn to be inside. I carried my daughter with the heaviest weight on my shoulder. My feet suddenly became too tired to walk. I had no energy left.

The doctor looked at me, Julia and the scan respectively. His face wasn’t a pleased one I can tell. And then, there came the magic in his words. I had to hear it.

Julia needs another operation. Her hip hasn’t developed just yet and the scan evidently showed how it still is. It looked complicated.

The only thing to be done is to operate once again.  AGAIN.

Not my favorite word at the moment.

How do you look your daughter in the eye and tell her everything is okay? Is going to be okay.

I know that even at 1 year and 5 months, she is gradually catching up with words and actions. Somehow, I’ve got this impression that a teeny bitsy part of her understands.

How do you succumb everything?

What possible answers can you get from the never-ending questions you have?

I do not know. I simply do not know.

As I am writing this, it’s exactly the eve of my 29^th birthday. I asked God to give me a miracle as my birthday present a few months ago. I hoped for Julia’s complications to go away. Just like that. But God’s ways doesn’t work like that.

On my birthday, Julia and I went to see another doctor to seek another opinion about her displaced hip. The doctor we were supposed to see hasn’t arrived just yet. We waited and waited. And all along the wait, I saw a name that looked familiar in the list of physicians that I researched on visiting. I asked the lady if we could see him too. The lady told us we could see him right now without the long wait coz he is just there. The heavens must have heard my plea. No more waiting. Happy birthday to me. We then entered his tiny cubicle and there I told him about our story…

Just like Julia’s doctor in Cebu, he agreed on taking another surgery just to fix Julia’s displaced hip. There is no other way, he said. This doctor was so pleasant and so nice. Even if we are both strangers to each other, he told me that I need not to worry coz Julia’s problem is operable.

At this point in time, any encouragement from anybody, any support, any kind of gesture, perhaps a simple pat on the shoulder means so much. His words were beyond reassuring and I simply must not lose hope.

This is what I ponder, now; maybe, God has a purpose for all of this. Maybe something good is going to a happen at the end. Maybe its is better to leave all my questions unanswered.

Inhale. Exhale. Be still and know that I am God --- I am prompted.  

The room is so quiet. Julia’s bedtime melody is being played on repeat until it fades.

And then I am reminded, in the darkest of times, I am always reminded that the one before me, the one who has mastered the words “Mama” is the tiniest miracle I’ve ever had. Because of that reminiscent thought, there is a huge relief on my face.

Deep breath and I seem to be just fine. One day at a time as everyone would say.

My living miracle will carry me through. And I on the other hand will do the same.

There is always hope in the eyes of an innocent child.

Let there be hope everyday.

If only I can send hope in the prettiest packaging, I would gladly send them to all of you struggling of whatever battle life has blessed you with. May we open it merrily, scooping it out slowly as we carry it through the best and worst days of our lives.

Carrying hope through.

Island Melancholy.

It was November of 2008 when I first rode a plane with two complete strangers (well not really) en route to the beautiful island of Guam for internship. One who was all smiles and giddy as he was reading a love letter written by his girlfriend when he boards the plane and the other one who was sobbing a little because she already missed home perhaps or so I remember and then there was I, who was excited and a bit fearful all together.

Who knew that we would get along pretty well?

My first ever shot of Joana at Inarajan Bay. Isn't she lovely?

The whimsical Jerome showing off his first love for ballet.

Who's that girl? What have I done to her body? Laughs.

Christmas 2008. All three of us were a thousand miles away from home, but, nevertheless, we had a worthwhile holiday that year because we had each other…

Then all came the rest of the bunch…

And there was this Chinese guy whom we all thought would be very finicky but then he ended up making us all laugh in a jiffy. He was the ladies man. He was our comic relief at times.

At the PHARE Competition.

WIne Rally 2010.

We won! 

And there came this bubbly girl who had the sweetest tooth ever, her name was Sherry. She also had so many stories to tell. I knew from her school and so we got along pretty well too.

Wine Rally 2010.

At Jeff's Pirate Cove the moment I went back to Guam for work.

At Ritidian Beach 2010.

Then there were three boys (Aljay, Geremiah and Dong) who came on separate trips. They all have each other stories to tell.

Geremiah, Tedi, Aljay, myself (my skinny self many moons ago) and Sherry at Haagen Daaz. Here we are with Tedi, our best buddy on the island.

Geremiah, Dong, Julius (one of our closest friend) and I at Outrigger.

And there was this sweet girl, whom I instantly connected on a beach day out. We lay there on the sand exchanging each other’s life stories. Oh how I was moved with hers…

At Tumon Bay beach.

A photo with Nadine on my 25th birthday. 

And this happy lady came along too with all butterflies in her tummy just because. But I must tell you that she is the happiest NOW as she just became a new and blushing bride.

Oh Vida! I couldn't get a more decent photograph of us but this. Geremiah, Dong, Vida and I at Yellow Cab.

Some of the things that I probably miss…

Being in a place of solitude.

Fire Trees.

Watabe's Sukiyaki.

The tartness of this beauty.

Blooming Teas among others. 

Everybody's favorite.

Sandy toes and long beach walks.

The most beautiful beach I've seen.

All the glorious sunsets - always fleeting.

These two. I miss them oh-so-much.

We all got along. We made memories together. We had the time of our lives.

During my wedding of October 2011 where all the girls finally meet and exchange stories.

Fast forward to today, nearly 4 years has passed and we still are friends. And I know, someday, we still and shall be.

The first three. 

Ryan, Sherry, Joana, Jerome and I.

Jerome is now happily married and his wife cannot wait to get pregnant. They will be both residing in Australia soon as Jen fixes her papers.

Joana is a happy wife of JR. They will soon be having their bundle of joy a few months from now on – a girl. She hosted our mini-reunion in their lovely home.

I cannot wait for you to become a Mommy!

Ryan has become a loving husband to Belle who just got pregnant weeks before we had met. How exciting for this 2 month old newly-wed. And finally for Ryan, finally…

Sherry has claimed that this year will be hers. She will find her prince and shall bake him cake. She and I are mighty survivors of the recent Yolanda typhoon.

Here we are with Little Miss Julia.

Belle, Ryan, Sherry, Joana, Jerome, Jen and I.

Nadine just bought a cat and is happily single. She now teaches Pastry and has the cutest sugar creations to boost.

Vida just got married and is oh-so-happy with her life. She smiles from ear to ear as she speaks of her hubby and rekindle their story.

And I, with my daughter, Julia, who is always in tow, can never be happier and contented. All I wish for, is for us to reunite as often as we can, so as Nadine would put it, she felt warm and fuzzy the whole day as we chit chatted over waffles and cranberry bread one morning.