Turning 30.

I turned 30 today.

My day started oh-so-right when my Mama invited us over for breakfast. 

Breakfast you see is my favored meal of the day. She made French Toasts, Corned Beef Hash from scratch and sautéed Spanish Sardines. There was fruits and overflowing brewed coffee as well. My belly was extremely happy.

She prepared it on our lanai, one of my favorite nooks in the house. She laid it over a long and narrow table with beautiful yellow roses. It was a lovely sight.
Thank you Mama!

 

French Toast with Creamy Topping.

Corned Beef Hash.

Cantaloupe and Sweet Mangoes.

A day before my birthday, I went to the flower shop to get myself some pretty flowers. I adorned my bedroom in my Mama’s house with the purple Malaysian Moms. I desired to have a great birthday and fill my room with the loveliness a flower brings. 

We heard mass with our little darling and headed back home.

Julia and I were busy frolicking as I was talking to my good friend Tedi over Viber when I was requested to go outside as somebody was looking for me. I was astonished. Who would have thought that at 7:45 pm, there would be someone at the door for me?  I hastily brushed my hair and went out as I was already dressed down to end my day.

Four of my cousins were lighting up the candles of a tiny cake as I opened the door. I was deeply touched that I couldn’t help but cry. Turning 30 has its emotional perks. That’s why. And not to mention, it was my only cake for the day. I had to let my happy tears fall. I quickly asked them to come inside our little space so Julia can take part in blowing the candles of such darling cake. She snubbed her Titas at first but warmed up after a few minutes, that she gave us a performance worth remembering. She became so excited; she opened up to tell stories and make faces, throwing a model’s pose and etc…  She felt sad when they had to leave. 

We ended the night with me bidding her goodnight as she kisses me and giving me a tight hug. She drinks her milk and I tell her, I love you to the moon… and she interrupts her sipping and tells me “and back”. 

Oh my heart.

So much for turning 30.

Giving Thanks for the year that was.

There’s so much to be thankful for this year. And before the year will come to an end gracefully, I just want to thank God and the universe for all the moments collected so that I will never ever forget them dearly.

Thank you Dear Jesus for the gift of life. Julia has just turned two and she has yet to live life beautifully in the years to come.

Thank you Dear Jesus for the good news. Last November, Julia's geneticist told us to never label her with achondroplasia ever again. She did Julia's measurement, from head to toe and again and again just to be certain. She is strongly convinced that Julia could just be having another form of skeletal Dysplasia but not achondroplasia. My heart wept for joy when she uttered those words deep but precise. She mentioned that it is unfair to Julia to be judged when she's not. I stopped using the hashtag achondroplasia to be fair to Julia, rather I used the hashtag little julia from that day on. For what it's worth, I have made so many friends from Mama's with babies having achondroplasia and they're the best support system I have up to this very day. I look up to them and they inspire me so much about life and more. 

Thank you Dear God for the simple pleasures of life. They come and go. Now you see them, at times you don't. I have decided that starting today, I will see it always on two perspectives. One being how pleasurable it is, the other, being positive about it. Negativity doesn't get you anywhere. It doesn't bring food to the table nor does it do good to your health. It does however bring you those dull looking lines all over your face. I will allow myself to be consumed with all the positive energy and promise to radiate it back to the world. 

Thank God for flowers and how they candidly wither in a beautiful way. Up to this day, fresh flowers surround my room, my bathroom and my kitchen at my Mama's house. They need not be fancy, just as long as they're watered, they will bloom like no other. 

Thank you Lord for the Christmas blessings. My kitchen was totally packed with orders big and small. I made hundreds of dozens cookies which I all made happily even in the strongest of times. Then there were bars, the cakes, the cheesecakes and the cupcakes too. 

Along came the Christmas presents that I happily started shopping this May. Thank you Lord for providing us the means to give. It is only by giving to others that we learn the real meaning of joy. Next year, I plan to start my shopping earlier to give more time and to share more to others. God will provide as He always does.

And lastly, thank you Dear God for the gift of family. For being there when support is uncalled for. For being a helping hand when the strongest of time came on and on. For the feelings that never tire of ones news, good or bad. This year has been especially colorful. I'd like to think that one day, everything will return to what it used to be, joyful and complete. Dear God, I shall ask you for one more wish this year, and it is thru prayer that I shall say this wish. I pray for peace. I pray for forgiveness. And most of all, I pray for love to reign over our hearts, reign over pride and greed. For it is always love that surrounds us completely, and I am certain that one day it will see us through and bring us together once again all for the same reason, simply because of love. 

Happy 2015 to all!

My Christmas Story

It took me awhile to finish this, never knowing how to start and when to stop. But a little recollecting of moments shared helped a lot as I put this all together in one tiny piece.

Here is my Christmas Story...

Christmastime meant everything to me when I was a child. It carried a feeling that made every age happy. Back when I was younger, I would always look forward for Christmas Eve and all its revelries. I never quite understood it then why we had to do each thing in harmony with time. Like for instance, at ten in the evening, we would all gather down, not settling since we all are enthusiastic for whatever presents we would receive. The elder cousins, calling out our names, are passing over our gifts to us – that was the drill. We would then wait for our Lolo Melchor’s go gesture to open them all together. The room was forever complete with clatter and splendid wrappers being hurled from here and there. Right before midnight, the maiden cook named Delia would prepare hot chocolate from scratch and would make budbud a day earlier. There would be mango slices to complement it with and we all love this concoction. We would submerge the budbud in our hot chocolate and eat it with mango alternating one from the other. The taste is impeccable, its absolutely a must try. At midnight, we would take our time greeting everyone with open arms, embracing each one tight and kissing them all one by one. We would start with the elders of course and work our way ‘till we finish our Merry Christmas greeting. It had to be known that it was family tradition after all. I never quite understood it way back. Now, it has deepen and come to life all over again.

Then.

 The Mermaids with Lolo Melchor and Lola Rita.

Our Christmas then.

Perhaps it is very timely to say that Christmas is all about family and traditions. It should be passed joyfully from generation to generation.

In one of his beautiful sermons, Father Larry once said that Christmas starts and ends with family. Deep within my heart, I wish for time to heal whatever differences my family has been going through right now. I do not want to question nor do I want to meddle with their differences because I am just a daughter, a niece, and a cousin. I am not in the right place to do such thing. All I can do is clasp my hands so tight and bring my knees down in prayer and lift everything to God. I respect each one highly and never want to break any bonds. There is no place in my heart for pride, nor has any animosity taken part of it. There is however so much kindness and love in my heart right now.

I am so thankful that this year, Julia got to experience what Christmas is like way back when I was a child. She especially love the ripping of those crisp wrappers and finding out what lies under the pretty packaging.

This year, our Tita Maite decided to spend her Christmas with us. She along with Uncle Jim, flew all the way from the States just to spend time with family. She has brightened up our day with her presence and her magic - whatever it is. Some people have this gift. They own it without having to know how or why. When Lolo Melchor was still alive, he used to possess this magic. I simply do not know why. We all felt that magic and I’m sure the little ones have their stories to tell.

Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day dinner.

Christmas Day dinner. This isn't the whole ka-boodle. We are so much more and beyond.

I’d like to thank you, Tita Maite. We all want to thank you.

Thank you is an understatement. It will never be enough. 

But because it needs to be said and done, thank you. 

You are constantly a cloud of sunshine and a ray of hope every time you come home. I wish you would just stay here forever. Your charm and grace lights up the room by modestly walking into it. When you are around, the place seems merrier and always full. Thank you Tita Maite for the person that you are. Thank you for dragging Mama and the others to the positivity cloud, it is certainly not dull on that side of life. Please continue doing so. You are our Christmas Story this year. You have stepped out of your way to make us all glad. I salute you. I wish others felt what we all did. You gave us the magic of Christmas once again and I know all the little ones will never ever forget you. 

God will bless you and your family. 

Remembering Yolanda.

A year ago, I thought I would never come out of what seemed to be the end of our lives. I told myself, this is the end of the world. 

I stayed in the middle of what seemed to be the most uncomfortable chaos for hours holding my daughter in my arms never knowing what can happen next. 

Till this very day, I hold onto that experience as the scariest day of my life. It left us with nothing but only ourselves. 

It was hard. 

The few days, weeks were the hardest. With Julia, it was even harder. But she managed to rise above it all, giving me the strength to endure any obstacle. 

I dedicate this post to all who have lost their loved ones, to all of us whose homes were damaged, to all who were left with nothing and to all those who lost their beloved pets to the mighty storm. I dedicate this post to all of us who had to endure those hours of despair. I dedicate this post to all who have rose again and still found a little loveliness over their broken hearts. To those who have stood up and got everything going again. To those generous hearts for your support and love. And to all of us, who braved and braced that mighty storm, this is to all of you. 

If there was one thing that Yolanda taught me, it is to let go and let God. Let go of material possessions. Let go of unwanted things. All you need is each other, all you need is family. All you ever need is a hand to hold when the darkness and terror comes knowing that as long as we've got each other, everything will be okay. Because in life, there is always another day, a better day. 

I continue to pray for better days to come and for everyone to realize that we should enjoy the little things in life. For in these things come greater light. Maybe not now, but someday we will. 

Let us continue to smell the flowers and smile in the rain. The simple pleasures of life are the little things that happen each day. 

Thank you Lord for the gift of life! 

Carrying hope through.

My greatest fear has come.

What do you do?

How do you respond?

How do you surrender yourself to the truth?

How do you hide the anguish before you?

What do you say to your loved ones?

How do you make them understand?

My little girl was all about her whimsical self on a ferry ride to Cebu for her doctor’s visit. I on the other hand was trembling softly deep inside. This was it. The moment of truth. No holding back. It had to be known. Sooner or later, in any given circumstance.

When Julia was operated last year, my greatest fear was enduring the aftermath – the endless tantrums, the sleepless nights and her grouchy behavior due to her cast. But I persisted each and everyday, simply because Julia was so dear and so brave, she never gave us a hard time. Months later, her doctor told us that there would be a chance of her hip getting dislocated again; I was all resigned to the thought that it isn’t going to happen. Not to us. Not to her. It’s too much, as I would say. Not really thinking openly.

We lived each day favorably. Not thinking of the unknown. Everyday was a happy day for us. And still is up to now. Thanks to my cheerful daughter who brings out the best amongst the not-so-good days.

Time will tell.

We will cross the bridge when we get there.

Those are the words that come to my mind whenever I think of that greatest fear.

It happened so quickly. Like a balloon bursting out loud.

Let me start by telling you how it came to be.

It was just another day, a Friday.

We had the most unlikable struggle at the X-ray department. It felt like the loudest cry of her life. She would grab my shoulders, and scream out loud “Mama”. I felt so weak on the knees that I came down to kneel before her just to carry my little one, giving her the encouragement that she won’t fall. She was made to stand up straight without her tiny knees curling or bending. That was too much for her. We haven’t conquered that milestone just yet. It’ll happen soon as I claim it will be. She collapsed to sleep thru tiny sobs and gentle cuddles as I held her close to me on our way home. I soothingly placed her on the bed so she could sleep comfortably. I sat beside her as I carried my weapon of choice and began to pray.

I prayed hard to God. For, in the next few hours we shall come to know what Julia’s scan would be. I couldn’t help but cry. Cry a little and let it all out. It works by the way.

As soon as we arrive the doctor’s clinic, the little girl couldn’t stay put. She had to wander around all the corners and had to amuse all strangers passing by. She would say “hi” to almost everyone. Her shyest smile would melt the hearts of many.

We were waiting and still waiting that out of curiosity, I slipped the Xray scan out of the brown envelope and started squinting my eyes. I had to find out what magic lies within. It had to be known sooner or later. Might as well find it for myself - now.

I know what a typical scan looks like and the one before me wasn’t normal looking at all.

Right then and there, I felt my chest tighten. I wanted to cry out loud. I had to look high up so as to stop my tears from falling. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I turn to my side and there was nobody I could share my torment with. My tears were hastening down I could almost hear them. My inner self reminded me, not here, not at the doctor’s office, not in front of Julia. So I put myself together and masked my emotions right away like I always do.

The lady in blue blurted out loud “Torres”, and finally it was our turn to be inside. I carried my daughter with the heaviest weight on my shoulder. My feet suddenly became too tired to walk. I had no energy left.

The doctor looked at me, Julia and the scan respectively. His face wasn’t a pleased one I can tell. And then, there came the magic in his words. I had to hear it.

Julia needs another operation. Her hip hasn’t developed just yet and the scan evidently showed how it still is. It looked complicated.

The only thing to be done is to operate once again.  AGAIN.

Not my favorite word at the moment.

How do you look your daughter in the eye and tell her everything is okay? Is going to be okay.

I know that even at 1 year and 5 months, she is gradually catching up with words and actions. Somehow, I’ve got this impression that a teeny bitsy part of her understands.

How do you succumb everything?

What possible answers can you get from the never-ending questions you have?

I do not know. I simply do not know.

As I am writing this, it’s exactly the eve of my 29^th birthday. I asked God to give me a miracle as my birthday present a few months ago. I hoped for Julia’s complications to go away. Just like that. But God’s ways doesn’t work like that.

On my birthday, Julia and I went to see another doctor to seek another opinion about her displaced hip. The doctor we were supposed to see hasn’t arrived just yet. We waited and waited. And all along the wait, I saw a name that looked familiar in the list of physicians that I researched on visiting. I asked the lady if we could see him too. The lady told us we could see him right now without the long wait coz he is just there. The heavens must have heard my plea. No more waiting. Happy birthday to me. We then entered his tiny cubicle and there I told him about our story…

Just like Julia’s doctor in Cebu, he agreed on taking another surgery just to fix Julia’s displaced hip. There is no other way, he said. This doctor was so pleasant and so nice. Even if we are both strangers to each other, he told me that I need not to worry coz Julia’s problem is operable.

At this point in time, any encouragement from anybody, any support, any kind of gesture, perhaps a simple pat on the shoulder means so much. His words were beyond reassuring and I simply must not lose hope.

This is what I ponder, now; maybe, God has a purpose for all of this. Maybe something good is going to a happen at the end. Maybe its is better to leave all my questions unanswered.

Inhale. Exhale. Be still and know that I am God --- I am prompted.  

The room is so quiet. Julia’s bedtime melody is being played on repeat until it fades.

And then I am reminded, in the darkest of times, I am always reminded that the one before me, the one who has mastered the words “Mama” is the tiniest miracle I’ve ever had. Because of that reminiscent thought, there is a huge relief on my face.

Deep breath and I seem to be just fine. One day at a time as everyone would say.

My living miracle will carry me through. And I on the other hand will do the same.

There is always hope in the eyes of an innocent child.

Let there be hope everyday.

If only I can send hope in the prettiest packaging, I would gladly send them to all of you struggling of whatever battle life has blessed you with. May we open it merrily, scooping it out slowly as we carry it through the best and worst days of our lives.

Carrying hope through.