I find myself wanting some more time, for time to be still and just not fleet away. I clasp my hands in prayer and tell the heavens "not yet, not just yet". But the heavens and His plan isn't in my favor. I prayed some more, the more unfavorable returns I get next. So, I let go. Let Him.
There was pain. At one point it was immeasurable but totality it was a war against mind over matter, the mind playing its tricks on you. I had to remain calm. I had to claim that peace within me, of all that's left from my 3 girls, one who just turned 4 and acts like she's 10 and the bubbly one who's like a giant but actually is still a baby at 14 months and the littlest of them all who at barely 2 months has been my peace and calm these past few weeks.
Oh boy where did time go?
At times, I can't believe, still at this point overwhelmed that I bore 3 children. All of which are girls, beautiful ones, comparable to the sunshine and the light it gives. And at times the stronger ray of light that consumes you from within.
Sleep deprived as I am, I find minute naps as magic, one that recharges you but really, not completely. I look at the mirror and all I can see are tired, puffy eyes and acne all over. Where did my happy skin go? And who is this girl I see? I don't like the "me" that I see to be honest. I want her to have a major make-over, one that boosts her esteem back.
Motherhood is no joke, most especially when you take it seriously as I am. Oftentimes, I find myself battling over guilty feelings if I had been an equally good mother to the three of them. And at times, I say, give yourself a break. But really, a break is an understatement. Just a few minutes of peace and quiet is like a luxury, only mothers out there can tell.
I've been wanting to do so much but two hands is just not enough. Day to day, I've been wanting to accomplish many things from my to do list, but nothing seems to be done.
So this is my life, I say. The language of love I give to my girls is probably acts of service. I am not complaining about what I do from day to day. I am just sharing my everyday musings.
And so, I submit myself to prayer, thanking Him for all that has been and for telling him that I do want more but really grateful that I have enough.
I've been told that I, wanting more is okay. But I have what it takes to get the tough days going. I have something that maybe you guys will never have. I have three little girls and a grateful heart. And for me, that's more than enough than all the richness in the world.
