11 months of cuteness.

As I tuck you back in bed, you cling back to me by locking your fat hands on my arm, I gently let out a soft hum to let you know that I am just here and just like that, you let go. 

Oh Dear Clara, mama will always be here. I will never ever leave you and your sisters. 

Youve become quite a beautiful charmer now that youre 11 months old. I 

am simply a proud mama over here. 

You have managed to crawl beyond your playing mat and you smile and squeal with delight everytime we prompt you to stand, holding both of your hands, as you happily take steps - Baby steps. Oh How excited I am for you to walk, so you can finally run around with Julia and Sabel. 

 And just like that, youll be turning a year old in a month’s time. Just like that, you amaze me everyday. 

You are our precious little one and always will be. Thank you for being such a good baby to me. Thank you for always putting up with your smiling face. I pray you will never ever tire of smiling as you wake up. I pray that you will remain a happy baby all throughout. 

I Love you to the moon and back! 

Love,

Mama 

Always a charm at 10 months.

As I sit in this cozy bed covered with floral cottony fabric, I smile. Here you are, so huge and asleep, like a bear - my cuddly bear. You look so peaceful with eyes completely shut. Not minding the chaos everyone is creating outside. It won’t be too long when you will be joining them too. 

Oh Clara, as you turn 10 months old, I cannot help but feel a tad scared of what’s about to come. You will turn one in two months! I cannot imagine I have three girls. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that there’s three of you. You, the littlest one of them all, with not so tiny fingers anymore. Huge arms and legs like a gladiator and a face so angelic and precious. 

I am so proud of you for persevering the art of crawling. You can now crawl but you aren’t a fan of it. You like it more when you’re being prompted up to walk. 

I love it when you start to mingle and how happily you react to strangers. 

I am now slowly planning for your first birthday and still am completely clueless on what it is going to be.

I sometimes tell myself how great your journey is from coming out way too soon and looking all so precious and fragile to now, being so chunky and huge. I am so proud of you my love. 

It won’t be long now, you will have your very first Christmas and shortly your first birthday. 

Thank you so much for always being happy and charming! Thank you for always cheering us up with your joyful energy. And thank you for always keeping up with your sisters even though they smother you up with so much warm hugs, kisses and love.

I love you always,

Mama

600 presents, good things and plenty.

I left home with the saddest and funniest story to tell. 

It was a Thursday night when I told my first born Julia that I was leaving for the next day for a short trip to Manila for a Mama’s Day Off which rarely happens to me. She took it so hard that she cried her heart out leaving me feeling torn and broken. She, at the age of almost five has a mind of her own and clearly is a boss at home. She tells me between sobs and not-so-gentle cries that I am a bad parent for the reason that I am leaving my children. I explained to her so many things that I too, need a break and need to recharge so I will have energy again. She does not buy any of my reasons and shuts me out by saying, “you hurt my feelings, Mama”. 

She tells me that I need to just stay at home and take care of them and fix things. 

Oh Julia! 

She fell asleep crying as I told her about the story of The Nativity. 

The next day, she wakes up like a raging bull telling me to just stay at home and not leave. 

By mid morning she finally lets go of the idea of me staying so she tells me that “okay, Mama, you can go, but you need to come back and bring me 600 presents”. 

600 presents. 

Oh, she doesn’t literally mean that much. All she knows is that 600 is a lot. 

So here I am, spending my last day in Manila and still in search of little things that can possibly charm her. 

Sabel on the other hand, is all smiles when I talk to her over video calls but always get teary eyed when I say goodbye.

When asked what she wants from here, she quickly tells me, “maaaa”. Her love for animals is simply amazing. 

The littlest one of all completely stares at me over video calls and is completely unaware of where I am, but I do miss her so. 

I miss my girls so much but Im so grateful for this little break. 

Thank you Dear God for making this happen. 

As I return home tomorrow, I promised my girls to decorate our little home with Christmas ornaments and hang their stockings too. 

I can’t wait to hug and smell them one by one. 

Thank you Dear God for good things and plenty... 

Beautiful tears.

No. It’s not the time of the month, yet. But today specifically, I turn out to be so emotional and weak on the knees.

At 5 in the afternoon, I went to church to hear mass with family. It wasn’t just an ordinary day. It was the feast of Our Lady of Hope.

During the homily, the priest said so many beautiful and desolate recollections about the typhoon, which transpired 4 years ago. I couldn’t help but contemplate of my own memory and my own flashback about Typhoon Haiyan.

As he was reliving that very day and the countless miracles that he later discovered throughout stories and accounts of victims, I couldn’t help but feel so emotional that I shed a tear or two – beautiful tears.

Since that typhoon, I too, among many others have since detached from worldly things. I straightaway decide which is which – a want or a need. Since then, I have less doubts and little fear of the unknown. I’ve become strong and my faith has become deeper.

As we ended the mass, I couldn’t contain my sense of gladness. I thank the Lord that we were all kept safe. I thank Our Lady as well for all that I had during that day was my faith - I sang Hail Mary as I put Julia to slumber; Julia was 11 months old at that time.

So no. It’s not the time of the month just yet.

Its not your average type of day either.

Because exactly 4 years ago today, I have changed the way I live and see the world.

I shed a tear or two, but they are beautiful tears that have kept me grounded and my faith stronger.

Gratitude is the memory of the heart.

This year has been filled with so much to be thankful for. 

Our blessings are countless and God has been and is always so good to us. Each day is different from the other and for that I am always grateful. 

Each of us is sent from above to have a purpose in this lifetime. We find meaning in the lives we have been bestowed with. 

I never thought that I would be chosen to become your Mama. Never in my wildest imagination did I think that you would become my first born - my first darling. 

I am so lucky to have you. 

You taught me so much in life. 

You made me a strong woman and my life has changed wholeheartedly ever since you were born.

I owe my life’s biggest accomplishment to you - that is, becoming a mother. 

Thank you for the love that you continuously shower me and Daddy with.

Thank you for extending your patience when mine is nearly ending.

Thank you for always helping me with your sisters even at the wee morning hours. 

Thank you for your humor and your sweetness that light me and everyone up always.

As dwarfism awareness month comes to an end, I knock on your big hearts and kind souls to always be gentle and spread kindness from within. You may not know what kind of battle each person you meet has been struggling with. Kindness generates grateful hearts. Together we can make this world a much better place for you, for me and for people who’s small but then that’s just all.

Cruisin' at nine months.

Oh how wonderful this month has turned out to be! 

First, you've successfully learned to stand up when being prompted and finally have started to cruise along your play pen. And how joyful you are by doing so.

I am always beaming with pride when people notice how significantly you've grown over the past months thinking how tiny you first came to life. You are my butterball and my charming baby.

Your laugh is so contagious and how I relish it when I tickle you at your giggle points. Your eyes glimmer when you smile just like your sisters. I particularly love how all your eyes seem to twinkle every time you smile. Those pure and innocent eyes takes all the burdens away. It brings so much comfort and it truly warms my heart that saying no would be the hardest thing in the world. 

I am starting to feed you some protein in the form of chicken liver and somehow you like it. Slowly and carefully, I am adding a bit of flavor to your everyday food. I am so pleased that you simply eat whatever is set for you. You’ve started to snack on cereal puffs and milky crackers as well. 

You've started to emulate your sister's habit of letting out a soft cry when attention is not in your favor. I hope you will not grow up to become. Because I am certainly not fond of it. Please understand that there are times that Mama isn’t in tip-toe shape. I’ve been struggling too on how adulting and parenting can be oh-so-hard all at once. Nevertheless, my love for you three is always bursting and will never ever cease.

 

Look at those eyes!

 

My beautiful butterball.

 Here you are with - Daddy.

 

Oh Clara! For always – I love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Mama

Eight beautiful months with you...

Dearest Clara,

Days and nights with you has been great this month. Nights especially when all you do is sleep after feeding and just sleep. Thank you for allowing mama to rest and take naps in between our busy nights when Sabel is all cries and baubles. 

This month has been especially yummy as I introduced you to berries. You've seem to like it by far and I wish it'll be the same when your big and start to be a picky eater (I pray you will never be). 

When you turned 8 months, you started to look a lot like Julia when she was your age. I smile in a certain disbelief because you both look so much a like. 

This month too, we started to prompt you to sit and stand which you very much enjoyed. You enjoy standing tall alongside your crib and watching how the minutes unfold especially when your two sisters are around doing their own thing. At times you fall down and create a frown to your much disappointment. But you gladly smile when being prompted again. Oh how charming you always are!

You enjoy morning strolls with Sabel and at times afternoon strolls with your sisters. Sabel has been so fond of animals that she visits the sheep from our neighbor's yard almost every morning. I hope you'll grow up to be fond of animals just like her. Julia on the other hand has been so lady like and very organized. I too, wish that you'll grow up to get some sprinkling of her kindness. 

I pray that you'll be able to talk real soon. When you can start babbling some baby words. When you can finally say Mama and Dada the least. 

Here you are with your beautiful sisters.

I love you so much my little giant! 

To the moon and beyond, always!

Love,

Mama

Seven months.

This month has been mild and tough all together. 

It started with a bang. 

There was this 6.5 magnitude earthquake that shook us like crazy. 

A week after that, you suffered from Chicken Pox and it's not fun at all. Your face was all covered with tiny spots of red and it didn't look pain free to me. I am so sorry you had to get it firsthand. On the bright side, you are so done with Chicken Pox and you will never ever have to experience that again.

This month too, I started to feed you and I am one proud Mama for making you eat clean and healthy food. So far, you started with the usual fruits like Banana, Mango, Avocado, Pear and Apple. You also favored Oats over Quinoa but still ate the later with excitement. You've tried Carrots, Squash, Zucchini and Spinach amongst other vegetables. I am so happy that you get giddy when you see your pink spoon and bowl. Your appetite is always big and jolly. I pray that it'll remain like that. 

I've tried to make you go out for morning and afternoon strolls so you can take all the fresh air. I've been so keen on making you live a super clean environment because you are a pre-term baby but because you are now 7 months old, I will loosely release the rein on you, for you to better appreciate the world and just because your body needs it too. 

You have grown so much, your body is so full and round. Everybody tells me that you look like a Buddha, a smiling one at that. You have been so friendly nowadays, your smile melts my heart as your eyes lit up with joy. 

It won't be long now that you will be able to sit on your own and stand on your own. I am just deeply overwhelmed that you can roll over now as we have been waiting for it for so long and at times you sleep on your side at night and turn freely on your own elect. 

Just don't grow up too fast, Clara. Because I will miss the precious baby that you are now. 

I love you always,

Mama

Better days to come.

It just turned 5:19 in the earliest of mornings (my mornings) one Saturday when I held my 3 precious angels beside me as we scout outside our room to give them another scenery, one that allows them to smell the grass (early morning dew smell warms my heart always) and give them more space to hurdle. Sabel and Clara had their fair share of cry outbursts simultaneously around 330 in the morning and I just couldn't put them back to sleep anymore. They both want to be cuddled and carried at some point and sadly, I only have my own pair of hands. I had to wake up my eldest Julia so she can help me and cheer up Clara who has been crying non-stop as I try to sway Sabel back to sleep. It worked for just a few minutes up until I had no more energy to sway, hum a lullaby and create a soothing face. And so I took them out. 

I waited for the sunrise to come up until I can call for help. My eyes were shutting down and watching them all three together who's sleepy, hungry and bored alone isn't really a wonderful thing anymore.

Oh how hard adulting is!

More so parenting in this conventional world I'm living in. 

I wish there was a pause button to breathe and rest. 

I wish I had a charger to plug myself into just to recharge my almost-empty battery life. 

So, yes, it's a little past five in the morning and I'm carrying my fidgety 6 month old baby, holding Sabel's shirt as she is fond of running around me and thanking Julia for a job well done for helping Mama. I look at the sunrise and quickly snap a photo to remind me of this day. 

I shall not forget that today, I held them all alone, my girls, my light and my hope for better days to come. 

A milestone, a little sorrow and always a joy at 6 months old.

My dearest butterball,

Like a perfect round of buttery goodness you are comparable to. You are Mama's charming child, forever smiling and cheerful, your smile melts my heart as your eyes never fail to twinkle when you smile. 

This month has been so heart wrenching for me and for most of us. The first day of the month set us to a bad start I must say, still, there's no room for negativity I always remind myself but for some reason, like a glorious and fleeting sunset, this month will never be forgotten for what it's worth.

It started when we lost your baby cousin Vino and the heart break it has left our hearts. I still cry whenever I think of him. I wonder if he sees us, sees you his youngest cousin to date. I wonder if he makes you smile when you giggle in your sleep.

He was gone too soon and was definitely too beautiful for earth.

I am telling you this my dearest Clara because I want you to put a smile on Tito Karl and Tita Ina's broken hearts. I want you to be their joy amidst their pain and sorrow. I want them to see hope in you. 

Like any other month too, we've had our fair share of colds and cough and a recent trip to your pediatrician. She tells me to have you checked soon as she might be sensing a little delay on our end. You see, at 6 months old, you should have rolled over your back and forth already. 

I prayed to the heavens to spare us from another consultation as it would require us to travel to Cebu and back. 

Right before the month came to an end and just before a few days till you turn 6 months old, the heavens must have heard my plea. It was a Sunday, shortly after lunch time when I had to change your diaper, that you gracefully turned to the side and rolled over, just like that. I immediately ran outside to tell everyone present about your milestone. I signaled your daddy who was watching me from afar about it as I did a happy dance in place. 

Oh Clara! How delighted I am that you finally rolled over. Now, the challenge is for you to come around. 

I am excited to feed you just right after you turn 6 months old. I have been silently planning the combination of fruits and vegetables I will be preparing for you.

I thank God for you and your sisters. This month has been tough and then I turn to you three and thank Jesus that you are all well, healthy and breathing. I pray that you three will help in healing Tito Karl and Tita Ina's loss as you complete their days with your loud squeals and your sister's laughter and chaos.

I love you to the moon and back!

Goodbye little one.

This morning I had to go out and feel the sun on my skin. I needed to feel something new because this past few days has been heart wrenching and tormenting to say the least. 

A little sunshine is always good. Good for the mind, soul and heart. 

Oh the heart! The heart that needs mending. 

If only I had supernatural powers. If only I can rewind the past and get all the bad elements that slowly unfold. 

If only I can bring back Vino. Alive and breathing... if only.

My heart bleeds for my sister and my best friend and her husband who has gone so much these past few weeks. So much is an understatement. 

He came out loosely swaddled in hospital garments looking like a newborn baby only he isn't breathing anymore. I asked my cousin if I could carry my nephew just because. I slowly scooped him out of her hands and held him close to me as tears kept falling from my eyes. He was big and his hands were fat and I held them both. 

There was sadness for most days.

The next time I ever held my nephew was when I had to transfer him into a wooden box fit for a young baby as we lay him into his final rest. This time, his fat fingers were ice cold and he shrank a tad bit. I lay him on a monogrammed receiving blanket and swaddled him tight with a light blue rosary on his fat little hands. 

It was time to say goodbye. 

Oh Vino! Please pray for us all here on Earth. Please watch over your Papa and Mama who has longed for your presence. Please let them feel that you are okay in God's loving embrace. 

To know more about my sister's story, please visit her site https://lifeaftersalvino.tumblr.com/ and show some love. 

On your 5th month, little one...

My Dearest Clara,

This month has been filled with stuffy noses and cough that you caught from your sisters. The downside of being a pre-term baby is this my love- it's so easy for you to get sick and that is why, Mama doesn't take you out much, yet. We just have to be extra careful because Mama doesn't want you to get sick ever. And no matter how careful I am, still you somehow caught the blues. I am sorry. 

However, this month, you've been so bubbly and noisy. You particularly love bath time so well, your feet dance in action. You've been such a talkative baby too, always cooing even in mass or any given time of the day. I love that you're noisy, gives me the feeling that the words you'll utter one day are hilarious and funny. 

Just before the month came to an end, we finally found a nanny that can help Mama with you. So far, she seem to be happily taking care of you. I simply can't wait for you three girls to be running around 
in white laced-dress and dainty head pieces, with bare feet, in fields of green and yellow. 

I'll hold on to that thought for now as I enjoy your goodness of a baby. 

 

I love you to the moon and back!

Love,

Mama

On your fourth month, Clara.

Dearest Clara,

First of all, let me tell you how time really flies. I am so proud that the past four months have been beautiful, messy, tiresome, grueling at times and always worthwhile with you. I am so proud because we survived our time without a nanny. Our day to day experience is an adventure on its own. And from those days, I've mastered the change of you. A lot of changes to be exact. From your sleeping patterns, your favored sleeping position and the transformation of your gentle coos and ahhhs to major giggle and laughs which has been my favorite milestone of you this month. 

Your smile that keeps coming always keeps me going. Your chuckle that excites me more than it excites you. And your big eyes that twinkle and does all the wonders.

You've grown so much this month and you are so cute as you can be. 

You are the chunkiest baby amongst my daughters. 

Like Julia, you've got eyes that twinkle and just like Sabel, you are a sweet baby. Like your sisters, you love bathing time and it makes you happy. Please continue to be a good baby to Mama and let's survive our nanny-less lives together. 

 

Keep your beautiful smiles coming my love. 

Always and forever,

Mama

My three months with you.

This month has been nothing but great. Just in time as you turn 3 months old, you've started to show your interest on your surroundings and not just Mama's voice. Now, you start to look around and flash a smile or two. At times when I'm lucky, I get to witness your subtle giggle making me want to capture everything in my camera but as soon as I hit the video button, you automatically stop the gentle and shy smile of yours. 

You are also starting to use your senses. You are too cute sometimes I wanna hug you and squeeze you so tight. 

You've gained a lot and I can't believe that it was just 3 months ago that you came out all fragile and precious and so tiny. Now you are so round and full of life. 

You've remained my calm and peace in a day's hustle and bustle. 

You have been the most patient and understanding baby ever, never wanting, always radiating love within. 

You are my everyday companion when the room is quiet and when no one is around but us. 

I laugh at myself when I see your face listening to my comical self when I talk to friends or family on the phone. You seem so apprehensive at such a little age. 

Your sisters cannot simply wait to play with you. I have to remind them everyday how to be gentle with you around. And Mama can't wait for you three to be walking hand in hand as we make our afternoon and morning strolls around the village. 

 

Today and for some little time, I will contain the littleness of you because time has always been fast and I still want you to remain my tiny one. 

I love you to the moon and back, Clara!

Love,

Mama 

Three little girls and a grateful heart.

I find myself wanting some more time, for time to be still and just not fleet away. I clasp my hands in prayer and tell the heavens "not yet, not just yet". But the heavens and His plan isn't in my favor. I prayed some more, the more unfavorable returns I get next. So, I let go. Let Him.

There was pain. At one point it was immeasurable but totality it was a war against mind over matter, the mind playing its tricks on you. I had to remain calm. I had to claim that peace within me, of all that's left from my 3 girls, one who just turned 4 and acts like she's 10 and the bubbly one who's like a giant but actually is still a baby at 14 months and the littlest of them all who at barely 2 months has been my peace and calm these past few weeks.

Oh boy where did time go?

At times, I can't believe, still at this point overwhelmed that I bore 3 children. All of which are girls, beautiful ones, comparable to the sunshine and the light it gives. And at times the stronger ray of light that consumes you from within. 

Sleep deprived as I am, I find minute naps as magic, one that recharges you but really, not completely. I look at the mirror and all I can see are tired, puffy eyes and acne all over. Where did my happy skin go? And who is this girl I see? I don't like the "me" that I see to be honest. I want her to have a major make-over, one that boosts her esteem back.

Motherhood is no joke, most especially when you take it seriously as I am. Oftentimes, I find myself battling over guilty feelings if I had been an equally good mother to the three of them. And at times, I say, give yourself a break. But really, a break is an understatement. Just a few minutes of peace and quiet is like a luxury, only mothers out there can tell. 

I've been wanting to do so much but two hands is just not enough. Day to day, I've been wanting to accomplish many things from my to do list, but nothing seems to be done. 

So this is my life, I say. The language of love I give to my girls is probably acts of service. I am not complaining about what I do from day to day. I am just sharing my everyday musings. 

And so, I submit myself to prayer, thanking Him for all that has been and for telling him that I do want more but really grateful that I have enough. 

I've been told that I, wanting more is okay. But I have what it takes to get the tough days going. I have something that maybe you guys will never have. I have three little girls and a grateful heart. And for me, that's more than enough than all the richness in the world.