Goodbye little one.

This morning I had to go out and feel the sun on my skin. I needed to feel something new because this past few days has been heart wrenching and tormenting to say the least. 

A little sunshine is always good. Good for the mind, soul and heart. 

Oh the heart! The heart that needs mending. 

If only I had supernatural powers. If only I can rewind the past and get all the bad elements that slowly unfold. 

If only I can bring back Vino. Alive and breathing... if only.

My heart bleeds for my sister and my best friend and her husband who has gone so much these past few weeks. So much is an understatement. 

He came out loosely swaddled in hospital garments looking like a newborn baby only he isn't breathing anymore. I asked my cousin if I could carry my nephew just because. I slowly scooped him out of her hands and held him close to me as tears kept falling from my eyes. He was big and his hands were fat and I held them both. 

There was sadness for most days.

The next time I ever held my nephew was when I had to transfer him into a wooden box fit for a young baby as we lay him into his final rest. This time, his fat fingers were ice cold and he shrank a tad bit. I lay him on a monogrammed receiving blanket and swaddled him tight with a light blue rosary on his fat little hands. 

It was time to say goodbye. 

Oh Vino! Please pray for us all here on Earth. Please watch over your Papa and Mama who has longed for your presence. Please let them feel that you are okay in God's loving embrace. 

To know more about my sister's story, please visit her site https://lifeaftersalvino.tumblr.com/ and show some love. 

On your 5th month, little one...

My Dearest Clara,

This month has been filled with stuffy noses and cough that you caught from your sisters. The downside of being a pre-term baby is this my love- it's so easy for you to get sick and that is why, Mama doesn't take you out much, yet. We just have to be extra careful because Mama doesn't want you to get sick ever. And no matter how careful I am, still you somehow caught the blues. I am sorry. 

However, this month, you've been so bubbly and noisy. You particularly love bath time so well, your feet dance in action. You've been such a talkative baby too, always cooing even in mass or any given time of the day. I love that you're noisy, gives me the feeling that the words you'll utter one day are hilarious and funny. 

Just before the month came to an end, we finally found a nanny that can help Mama with you. So far, she seem to be happily taking care of you. I simply can't wait for you three girls to be running around 
in white laced-dress and dainty head pieces, with bare feet, in fields of green and yellow. 

I'll hold on to that thought for now as I enjoy your goodness of a baby. 

 

I love you to the moon and back!

Love,

Mama

On your fourth month, Clara.

Dearest Clara,

First of all, let me tell you how time really flies. I am so proud that the past four months have been beautiful, messy, tiresome, grueling at times and always worthwhile with you. I am so proud because we survived our time without a nanny. Our day to day experience is an adventure on its own. And from those days, I've mastered the change of you. A lot of changes to be exact. From your sleeping patterns, your favored sleeping position and the transformation of your gentle coos and ahhhs to major giggle and laughs which has been my favorite milestone of you this month. 

Your smile that keeps coming always keeps me going. Your chuckle that excites me more than it excites you. And your big eyes that twinkle and does all the wonders.

You've grown so much this month and you are so cute as you can be. 

You are the chunkiest baby amongst my daughters. 

Like Julia, you've got eyes that twinkle and just like Sabel, you are a sweet baby. Like your sisters, you love bathing time and it makes you happy. Please continue to be a good baby to Mama and let's survive our nanny-less lives together. 

 

Keep your beautiful smiles coming my love. 

Always and forever,

Mama

My three months with you.

This month has been nothing but great. Just in time as you turn 3 months old, you've started to show your interest on your surroundings and not just Mama's voice. Now, you start to look around and flash a smile or two. At times when I'm lucky, I get to witness your subtle giggle making me want to capture everything in my camera but as soon as I hit the video button, you automatically stop the gentle and shy smile of yours. 

You are also starting to use your senses. You are too cute sometimes I wanna hug you and squeeze you so tight. 

You've gained a lot and I can't believe that it was just 3 months ago that you came out all fragile and precious and so tiny. Now you are so round and full of life. 

You've remained my calm and peace in a day's hustle and bustle. 

You have been the most patient and understanding baby ever, never wanting, always radiating love within. 

You are my everyday companion when the room is quiet and when no one is around but us. 

I laugh at myself when I see your face listening to my comical self when I talk to friends or family on the phone. You seem so apprehensive at such a little age. 

Your sisters cannot simply wait to play with you. I have to remind them everyday how to be gentle with you around. And Mama can't wait for you three to be walking hand in hand as we make our afternoon and morning strolls around the village. 

 

Today and for some little time, I will contain the littleness of you because time has always been fast and I still want you to remain my tiny one. 

I love you to the moon and back, Clara!

Love,

Mama 

Three little girls and a grateful heart.

I find myself wanting some more time, for time to be still and just not fleet away. I clasp my hands in prayer and tell the heavens "not yet, not just yet". But the heavens and His plan isn't in my favor. I prayed some more, the more unfavorable returns I get next. So, I let go. Let Him.

There was pain. At one point it was immeasurable but totality it was a war against mind over matter, the mind playing its tricks on you. I had to remain calm. I had to claim that peace within me, of all that's left from my 3 girls, one who just turned 4 and acts like she's 10 and the bubbly one who's like a giant but actually is still a baby at 14 months and the littlest of them all who at barely 2 months has been my peace and calm these past few weeks.

Oh boy where did time go?

At times, I can't believe, still at this point overwhelmed that I bore 3 children. All of which are girls, beautiful ones, comparable to the sunshine and the light it gives. And at times the stronger ray of light that consumes you from within. 

Sleep deprived as I am, I find minute naps as magic, one that recharges you but really, not completely. I look at the mirror and all I can see are tired, puffy eyes and acne all over. Where did my happy skin go? And who is this girl I see? I don't like the "me" that I see to be honest. I want her to have a major make-over, one that boosts her esteem back.

Motherhood is no joke, most especially when you take it seriously as I am. Oftentimes, I find myself battling over guilty feelings if I had been an equally good mother to the three of them. And at times, I say, give yourself a break. But really, a break is an understatement. Just a few minutes of peace and quiet is like a luxury, only mothers out there can tell. 

I've been wanting to do so much but two hands is just not enough. Day to day, I've been wanting to accomplish many things from my to do list, but nothing seems to be done. 

So this is my life, I say. The language of love I give to my girls is probably acts of service. I am not complaining about what I do from day to day. I am just sharing my everyday musings. 

And so, I submit myself to prayer, thanking Him for all that has been and for telling him that I do want more but really grateful that I have enough. 

I've been told that I, wanting more is okay. But I have what it takes to get the tough days going. I have something that maybe you guys will never have. I have three little girls and a grateful heart. And for me, that's more than enough than all the richness in the world. 

On your second month, Clara.

With each passing day, slowly you've put on some weight here and there. You've become a little cherubim of joy and peace. 

Seeing you every day and doing all things together makes me want to keep you as tiny as you can ever be - simply a baby. 

You've been the most easy baby to deal with ever. And I just pray that you will stay the same way growing up alongside your two sisters.

Waiting for our flight at Ormoc Airport. 

As you turn two months, you've been to Cebu and even rode an airplane already. We went to see an ENT doctor and have your right ear checked. Results came out to our favor and I am so happy to tick it out of my worries. 

One fine day.

Our days are always short but happy. We might not be able to go places as of now but our dreams are big and coming. 

Our mornings may not be always filled with sunshine but you shine like the sun and that is enough to brighten our day. 

I may forget to note your very first smile, chuckle or laugh but never will I forget how you made me and daddy happy.

I may not be able to cuddle you at times when Sabel wants to snuggle at the middle of the night but please know that I will never love you less. All you little girls make up for the most of me. You complete Daddy and me. 

I love you to the moon and back, Clara,

Love,

Mama 

The first 30 days has gone by...

Dearest Clara, 

  

Over the past 30 days, I've come to know you a little - a little but enough to understand your likes and dislikes. 

Let me begin to tell you how grateful I am to the heavens above for taking care of us - For healing us both fast and fully. For giving me milk on the second day of your life, which sounds so impossible but yes, because I prayed, so hard, there was milk for you. 

Because a lot of people were praying for us both, we had the healing that was so fast, I am beyond thankful to Jesus. We both came out of that experience so strong. You see little girl, you were believed to come out by February, instead, you came out way too early, ending 2016 with a bang. I will certainly not forget our first few hours together because it was the first time I experienced labor pains. 

Taking care of you has been so satisfying. I feel like I'm starting to become a pro at motherhood. You make mama duties seem so easy-going. 

Amongst all my three babies, you are the one I am mostly hands-on with minimal help from family. I applauded myself for not worrying anyone for our first 30 days together. I settled with my motherly instinct in nurturing you and I simply cannot believe that it’s been 30 days.

I find myself staring at you always, carefully examining you, from head to toe and vice versa. I especially love it when we hold hands; I feel that there is a bond beyond measure, one that only a mother can tell.

I am always caught up sinking in your baby smell, taking it all in for what seems like milk, body wash and powder all together. The scent of milk from your breath is so pure. The smell is so divine, so honest and sincere.

I watch you sensibly as you sleep and do your hourly stretches, like every mother, I am always in admiration looking at you. You make the sleepless nights seem less tiring.

Time has a way of telling us what truly matters and what is important. I have realized that I am so lucky to be a mama to you and your sisters.

Let me tell you how I love your energy that is so calming and constantly at peace. I haven’t heard you let out a loud cry ever yet nor did I have trouble putting you to sleep. Its always easy breezy with you Dear Clara. And I will forever give thanks to God for giving me a very good baby to deal with.

You’ve been nothing but love and light, my precious angel. I wish, hope and pray that you will grow up keen like Julia and as cheerful as Sabel. I know that time will just pass and before we know it, you girls will be having the time of your lives. But for now, let me relish the moment and savor all the memories of you as a baby. Let me have the sleepless nights for now, let me teach you how to pray and show you how it works most of the time, let me tell you how precious and gentle you are and let me tell you how beautiful the world is and that you too shall explore it soon…

I love you to the moon and back, Clara!

Love,

Mama

Thank you to my cousin Liane for taking lovely photos of Clara.