Seven months.

This month has been mild and tough all together. 

It started with a bang. 

There was this 6.5 magnitude earthquake that shook us like crazy. 

A week after that, you suffered from Chicken Pox and it's not fun at all. Your face was all covered with tiny spots of red and it didn't look pain free to me. I am so sorry you had to get it firsthand. On the bright side, you are so done with Chicken Pox and you will never ever have to experience that again.

This month too, I started to feed you and I am one proud Mama for making you eat clean and healthy food. So far, you started with the usual fruits like Banana, Mango, Avocado, Pear and Apple. You also favored Oats over Quinoa but still ate the later with excitement. You've tried Carrots, Squash, Zucchini and Spinach amongst other vegetables. I am so happy that you get giddy when you see your pink spoon and bowl. Your appetite is always big and jolly. I pray that it'll remain like that. 

I've tried to make you go out for morning and afternoon strolls so you can take all the fresh air. I've been so keen on making you live a super clean environment because you are a pre-term baby but because you are now 7 months old, I will loosely release the rein on you, for you to better appreciate the world and just because your body needs it too. 

You have grown so much, your body is so full and round. Everybody tells me that you look like a Buddha, a smiling one at that. You have been so friendly nowadays, your smile melts my heart as your eyes lit up with joy. 

It won't be long now that you will be able to sit on your own and stand on your own. I am just deeply overwhelmed that you can roll over now as we have been waiting for it for so long and at times you sleep on your side at night and turn freely on your own elect. 

Just don't grow up too fast, Clara. Because I will miss the precious baby that you are now. 

I love you always,

Mama

Better days to come.

It just turned 5:19 in the earliest of mornings (my mornings) one Saturday when I held my 3 precious angels beside me as we scout outside our room to give them another scenery, one that allows them to smell the grass (early morning dew smell warms my heart always) and give them more space to hurdle. Sabel and Clara had their fair share of cry outbursts simultaneously around 330 in the morning and I just couldn't put them back to sleep anymore. They both want to be cuddled and carried at some point and sadly, I only have my own pair of hands. I had to wake up my eldest Julia so she can help me and cheer up Clara who has been crying non-stop as I try to sway Sabel back to sleep. It worked for just a few minutes up until I had no more energy to sway, hum a lullaby and create a soothing face. And so I took them out. 

I waited for the sunrise to come up until I can call for help. My eyes were shutting down and watching them all three together who's sleepy, hungry and bored alone isn't really a wonderful thing anymore.

Oh how hard adulting is!

More so parenting in this conventional world I'm living in. 

I wish there was a pause button to breathe and rest. 

I wish I had a charger to plug myself into just to recharge my almost-empty battery life. 

So, yes, it's a little past five in the morning and I'm carrying my fidgety 6 month old baby, holding Sabel's shirt as she is fond of running around me and thanking Julia for a job well done for helping Mama. I look at the sunrise and quickly snap a photo to remind me of this day. 

I shall not forget that today, I held them all alone, my girls, my light and my hope for better days to come. 

A milestone, a little sorrow and always a joy at 6 months old.

My dearest butterball,

Like a perfect round of buttery goodness you are comparable to. You are Mama's charming child, forever smiling and cheerful, your smile melts my heart as your eyes never fail to twinkle when you smile. 

This month has been so heart wrenching for me and for most of us. The first day of the month set us to a bad start I must say, still, there's no room for negativity I always remind myself but for some reason, like a glorious and fleeting sunset, this month will never be forgotten for what it's worth.

It started when we lost your baby cousin Vino and the heart break it has left our hearts. I still cry whenever I think of him. I wonder if he sees us, sees you his youngest cousin to date. I wonder if he makes you smile when you giggle in your sleep.

He was gone too soon and was definitely too beautiful for earth.

I am telling you this my dearest Clara because I want you to put a smile on Tito Karl and Tita Ina's broken hearts. I want you to be their joy amidst their pain and sorrow. I want them to see hope in you. 

Like any other month too, we've had our fair share of colds and cough and a recent trip to your pediatrician. She tells me to have you checked soon as she might be sensing a little delay on our end. You see, at 6 months old, you should have rolled over your back and forth already. 

I prayed to the heavens to spare us from another consultation as it would require us to travel to Cebu and back. 

Right before the month came to an end and just before a few days till you turn 6 months old, the heavens must have heard my plea. It was a Sunday, shortly after lunch time when I had to change your diaper, that you gracefully turned to the side and rolled over, just like that. I immediately ran outside to tell everyone present about your milestone. I signaled your daddy who was watching me from afar about it as I did a happy dance in place. 

Oh Clara! How delighted I am that you finally rolled over. Now, the challenge is for you to come around. 

I am excited to feed you just right after you turn 6 months old. I have been silently planning the combination of fruits and vegetables I will be preparing for you.

I thank God for you and your sisters. This month has been tough and then I turn to you three and thank Jesus that you are all well, healthy and breathing. I pray that you three will help in healing Tito Karl and Tita Ina's loss as you complete their days with your loud squeals and your sister's laughter and chaos.

I love you to the moon and back!

Goodbye little one.

This morning I had to go out and feel the sun on my skin. I needed to feel something new because this past few days has been heart wrenching and tormenting to say the least. 

A little sunshine is always good. Good for the mind, soul and heart. 

Oh the heart! The heart that needs mending. 

If only I had supernatural powers. If only I can rewind the past and get all the bad elements that slowly unfold. 

If only I can bring back Vino. Alive and breathing... if only.

My heart bleeds for my sister and my best friend and her husband who has gone so much these past few weeks. So much is an understatement. 

He came out loosely swaddled in hospital garments looking like a newborn baby only he isn't breathing anymore. I asked my cousin if I could carry my nephew just because. I slowly scooped him out of her hands and held him close to me as tears kept falling from my eyes. He was big and his hands were fat and I held them both. 

There was sadness for most days.

The next time I ever held my nephew was when I had to transfer him into a wooden box fit for a young baby as we lay him into his final rest. This time, his fat fingers were ice cold and he shrank a tad bit. I lay him on a monogrammed receiving blanket and swaddled him tight with a light blue rosary on his fat little hands. 

It was time to say goodbye. 

Oh Vino! Please pray for us all here on Earth. Please watch over your Papa and Mama who has longed for your presence. Please let them feel that you are okay in God's loving embrace. 

To know more about my sister's story, please visit her site https://lifeaftersalvino.tumblr.com/ and show some love. 

On your 5th month, little one...

My Dearest Clara,

This month has been filled with stuffy noses and cough that you caught from your sisters. The downside of being a pre-term baby is this my love- it's so easy for you to get sick and that is why, Mama doesn't take you out much, yet. We just have to be extra careful because Mama doesn't want you to get sick ever. And no matter how careful I am, still you somehow caught the blues. I am sorry. 

However, this month, you've been so bubbly and noisy. You particularly love bath time so well, your feet dance in action. You've been such a talkative baby too, always cooing even in mass or any given time of the day. I love that you're noisy, gives me the feeling that the words you'll utter one day are hilarious and funny. 

Just before the month came to an end, we finally found a nanny that can help Mama with you. So far, she seem to be happily taking care of you. I simply can't wait for you three girls to be running around 
in white laced-dress and dainty head pieces, with bare feet, in fields of green and yellow. 

I'll hold on to that thought for now as I enjoy your goodness of a baby. 

 

I love you to the moon and back!

Love,

Mama

On your fourth month, Clara.

Dearest Clara,

First of all, let me tell you how time really flies. I am so proud that the past four months have been beautiful, messy, tiresome, grueling at times and always worthwhile with you. I am so proud because we survived our time without a nanny. Our day to day experience is an adventure on its own. And from those days, I've mastered the change of you. A lot of changes to be exact. From your sleeping patterns, your favored sleeping position and the transformation of your gentle coos and ahhhs to major giggle and laughs which has been my favorite milestone of you this month. 

Your smile that keeps coming always keeps me going. Your chuckle that excites me more than it excites you. And your big eyes that twinkle and does all the wonders.

You've grown so much this month and you are so cute as you can be. 

You are the chunkiest baby amongst my daughters. 

Like Julia, you've got eyes that twinkle and just like Sabel, you are a sweet baby. Like your sisters, you love bathing time and it makes you happy. Please continue to be a good baby to Mama and let's survive our nanny-less lives together. 

 

Keep your beautiful smiles coming my love. 

Always and forever,

Mama

My three months with you.

This month has been nothing but great. Just in time as you turn 3 months old, you've started to show your interest on your surroundings and not just Mama's voice. Now, you start to look around and flash a smile or two. At times when I'm lucky, I get to witness your subtle giggle making me want to capture everything in my camera but as soon as I hit the video button, you automatically stop the gentle and shy smile of yours. 

You are also starting to use your senses. You are too cute sometimes I wanna hug you and squeeze you so tight. 

You've gained a lot and I can't believe that it was just 3 months ago that you came out all fragile and precious and so tiny. Now you are so round and full of life. 

You've remained my calm and peace in a day's hustle and bustle. 

You have been the most patient and understanding baby ever, never wanting, always radiating love within. 

You are my everyday companion when the room is quiet and when no one is around but us. 

I laugh at myself when I see your face listening to my comical self when I talk to friends or family on the phone. You seem so apprehensive at such a little age. 

Your sisters cannot simply wait to play with you. I have to remind them everyday how to be gentle with you around. And Mama can't wait for you three to be walking hand in hand as we make our afternoon and morning strolls around the village. 

 

Today and for some little time, I will contain the littleness of you because time has always been fast and I still want you to remain my tiny one. 

I love you to the moon and back, Clara!

Love,

Mama